No one could have prepared me for the challenges ahead. A year on from when our 6 year old beautiful daughter Emily disclosed of her abuse at the hands of her grandfather and every day still seems like I am extracting a thorn from my skin with her.
Her rage and anger still very much defining her. The waves coming and going, ripping through our family causing distress, resentment and pain to us her parents and her siblings.
Her child psychologist saying her anger towards me mainly may be caused by the fact that she is struggling to disassociate me her mother ,from my parents , and my father who abused her. The news of this painful to take on, to acknowledge and move past. I know I do look a lot like my father, and this is obvious to her. I know this ,because I struggled with it so much in the early days after his suicide, to the extent that for weeks I could not look in a mirror and if I did I would feel a mix of utter rage and deep despair.
With her progress slow, and her in therapy every week for a year ,I knew it was time for a drastic change. Time to change therapists and practices. Something which seems fairly easy in most part I guess, but finding a practice that specialises in child abuse my first and biggest hurdle. List upon list deal with almost every thing else but very few deal with abuse. ADHD/ADD, Fears/Anxiety,Sadness/Depression,Behavioural difficulties, Autistic,spectrum disorders, Peculiar/concerning behaviours,Grief, the list goes on…specialists dealing with abuse seems rare.
With “Brave hearts” waiting list still months long and after 3 or so calls to the recommendations from my own therapist the hunt continues.
At least for now, just lately we have all been sleeping through the night. With my mind only taunting me once or twice a week, horrific dreams waking me intermittently. And with Emily finally settling at bedtime minus her regressive screaming and with making it through til dawn I do feel life is getting better, we are healing slowly and we are resting at least for which I am so grateful.
Although her predominant emotions of anger and sadness still reign and pump through her little veins causing unexplained fits of rage at any unforeseen moment in any day I am still positive I am still standing and I am still here as her mom, trying desperately to get her the help she needs for now and the future.